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Name

My mother was from the south.  She left Texas with her family during the great dust bowl migration and came to California in the early 30s.

She carried with her a deep hatred of everything about the south.  Wanted to wipe every part of it from her.  Including her name.  Mamie Jo.  It’s a very southern name.  

So she made up a new name, Joelle 

She actually legally changed her name to Joelle.

My father liked the name so I was named Joelle.

My husband and I like the name as well but naming my daughter Joelle seemed a bit much so we named her Sarah Joelle. 

Who We Are

Ann Maria Reeves Jarvis and daughter Anna

No cemetery is willing to take the body of Tamerlan Tsarnaev. Not just Boston.  Anywhere in the US.  "Send him back to Russia!" is the rallying cry.  

I was not one rallying to insist everybody sing Kumbya and forgive Tsarnaev.  But this is a really disturbing trend.  The man is dead.  His final resting place can only cause more pain if people choose to make it so.  And people are choosing to do so.  This is why forgiveness is so important.  Not because of any love or sympathy or understanding of the one who hurt us.  But because if we do not forgive and let go of our anger and grievances, they continues to hurt us.  Tsarnaev is dead.  We do not hurt him by refusing his body a place to rest.  We hurt his family.  But most of all we hurt ourselves.  Because of this story, he is still in the news, still taking up our attention, our thoughts, our energy.  We are the ones who choose to make this an issue.  

And it hurts us because we become less than who we are.  Civilized people do not desecrate the dead of our enemies.  Desecrating bodies, refusing burial rites, condemning the dead to some sort of hellish after life by what we do, all these practices are from another time, an ignorant and brutal time.  Do we want to be *that* people?

Mother's Day is coming up.  Few people remember the origins of that day.  Anna Jarvis campaigned for this day in honor of her mother who worked to bring mothers of soldiers on both sides of the civil war.  One of the things those mothers did was care for the graves of soldiers of the other side.  These mothers of slain boys did not grieve their losses any less than the people of Boston.  They did not view the soldiers who killed their sons any less "traitors" than we view Tamerlan Tsarnaev.  And yet they brought themselves to take care of their graves. This is our history.  This is who we are.

I don't even believe this is a Christian issue.  This is about who we are as Americans.  If it is no longer who we are, then the terrorists have won.

Saying Good Bye (or not) to Mom,

Mom and I, seeing my aunt off on a Cruise, around 1964

My mother is 96 and dying. 

 It's not going to be easy for her to die because she's healthy and tough.  Too mean to die, that's my Mom.  She's in California, I'm in Iowa.  The congregation I'm serving as generously given me a gift in honor of my 25th ordination anniversary early in case I wanted to use the money to go see her.  

In a different story, I would take that money, fly out to see her before she dies and we would all have "closure" and no regrets.

But that is not going to be our story.  

See, my mother never wanted me or any of her kids for that matter.  As she told us many times, in those days you had no choice but to get married and have kids.  She was a negative, critical, unhappy person.   Fortunately, I did not notice that growing up. My husband noticed it.  "I am never going out there to see her again.", He told me,  "You will have to go without me"

So I did one last time, a little less than 20 years ago.  My children were toddlers.  I never tell anyone this story because it's just so unbelievable but this is what happened.  We were staying at her house.  She was pretty irritated because my children spilled ketchup on her white tablecloth, didn't want to eat dinner at her usual time of 4 pm and they liked to watch cartoons on television.  What kind of a mother was I?  I was washing clothes and she came in to tell me how to do it.  Well you know mothers and daughters.  I rolled my eyes and said "MOM! (you know, in two syllables) I know how to use a washing machine!"

She kicked me out.  "I can't stand you.  Get out of my house"  I said I was sorry.  I cried.  I begged her not to be that way.  But she was done with me.  It was 10 at night.  I had to call a friend, pick my babies up out of their beds sleeping and leave.  And I never came back.  Not because I wasn't willing to forgive, she was not willing to forgive. 


I have an older brother and sister from another marriage. When I was younger.  I never understood until then why they never came to see her.  Now I do.

But she tolerates visits from them.  Me, she never wanted anything to do with although we have exchanged a few polite phone calls.   

I've called her a few times since she's taken to her bed trying to die.  "I love you Mom," I say, "Okay thanks for calling, goodbye," She says.  That and "Don't come visit me"

There is something wrong with her.  I know it's not me.  It took me a long time to realize that.  I used to feel guilty about messing up her life for being born but she chose to get married again, get pregnant at 43 and have me.  

Oh, yea she would tell me how everyone told her she should abort me but she didn't.   Oh how noble. Abortion was illegal,  she was not stupid, she didn't feel like dying in some back alley.   

I could make excuses for my Mom and believe me I have.  But excuses can get in the way of forgiveness.  If  it's not your fault, then what do you need forgiveness for?  

My mother had a hard life.  But she had choices.   We all have choices.  I do forgive her.  I do feel sorry for her.  I do pray she dies soon and finds some peace.   If there is a hell I'm pretty sure she's already served her time there on earth.

So I'm not going back there.  She's not going to die alone.  My sister takes a bus (because she can't afford a car) every day to go see her and listen to her complain.  My brother, who is very successful, pays for round the clock care for her in the house he bought for her.  She never says thank you, she just complains.  And she has the housekeeper she's had (paid for my brother) for 30 years.  That's who she is close to.  The housekeeper.  

Sometimes I look at how lucky she is to have all that care, to be in her own house and think "nobody is going to do that for me when I die" .  

That's right, I'm not going to die the way she is, bitter and closer to a housekeeper than her own children. 

She's had a hard life but so have I and I am not going to die like she is, only thinking of the hard things, not all the blessings and love and good things there have been along with the hard things.   

There is always something to be thankful for.

*Update - my mother died a week later on August 31, 2011.

 

Mary, Full of Grace

Wendy Ryan Folk Art

Mary is the highest woman and the noblest gem in Christianity after Christ . . . She is nobility, wisdom, and holiness personified. We can never honor her enough.

~Martin Luther's Christmas Sermon 1531

People in the Western Medieval Church needed Mary.  

Somehow or other Christ was turned into the righteous judge who would shuck all those poor goats off into hell.  

"Christ in Majesty" - Basilica in Washington DC

 The gulf between Christ and the poor wretched sinners on earth seemed insurmountable.  

But there was Mary. 

She was kind and gentle and Jesus' Mum.  If you could get her to intercede on your behalf, Christ would listen to her.  He was a good son.  He would listen to his mom.  

It was a little (maybe a LOT) twisted but Mary is the reason Grace was not lost entirely.  

I think maybe when the Protestants threw out Mary (which was not Luther's idea) we lost some of that kindness and gentleness.  

Until the 19th century when we turned Jesus into a girl.

  I say we bring back Mary and let Jesus be a man again. (But not the terrifying Judge)

Juliet Howe's Mother's Day Proclamation - Worth Repeating

 This is a repeat from last yer:

Arise then...women of this day! Arise, all women who have hearts! Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly: "We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,  
Will be too tender of those of another country To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs." From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with Our own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor, Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, But of God -
In the name of womanhood and humanity,
I earnestly ask That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
  May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities, The amicable settlement of international questions, The great and general interests of peace.

1870

THIS IS NOT AN OBSCENE PICTURE

So right before Mother's day - there's a news story where a woman at a local mall was hassled by a security gaurd about breastfeeding her child in public and was asked to do that in the restroom.  EXCUSE ME?  Do YOU eat in a public bathroom?  

UGH --this is one of those issues that gets me going.

I saw more boob on Dancing with the Stars then you see when women breast feed.  Personally I was modest and always threw a blanket over my shoulder when I breast fed in public...but there's no need for everyone to freak out if  it's a little more obvious.  You could look other way you know.  What is wrong with our society when women can go around half naked and on one blinks an eye but GOD FORBID you should use your breasts to nourish a child.

Mother's Day Prayer

 Mother's Day can be fraught with *stuff*~ none of which Ann Jarvis had in mind when she thought of this day.

This is a Mothers Day prayer I wrote several years ago and use every year.  Many have expressed appreciation for it. 

We pray for Mothers everywhere….

For mothers of young children that they may nurture 

    and raise their children to be good and faithful people in the world.

For mothers of older children that they may have the wisdom 

    to know when to help their children hang on to their roots

        and when to spread their wings.

For mothers of grown children that they may feel satisfaction in a job well done.

On this day we remember mothers of children in war-torn countries

        mothers of children where disaster or famine has struck

        and mothers who fear for their children’s safety 

           that they may find food for their children

           justice for their families 

              and peace for their souls.

We also lift up those for whom this day is painful

         mothers whose children are missing

         mothers whose children have died

         mothers who have lost children to miscarriage

         mothers who have had abortions

         mothers who have lost custody of their children

         and mothers whose children have disappointed them. 

We pray for those who wish to have children but have none 

    that they may be filled by God.

We pray, too, for all motherless children

       children whose mothers have abused or abandoned them 

        and for all those whose mothers have recently died.

For all the good experiences of motherhood, we thank and praise you Lord.

We lift up to you for healing all the painful experiences of motherhood.

Amen

Note - I am sharing this so that you can use it if you like - if it's printed out then you should use my name but if you just pray it I don't need any credit.  Also you can change, add stuff to it, use it to boost your creative juices to write your own...whatever.  I very much believe in respecting other people's intellectual property HOWEVER i do think it's good for us to share creatively and maybe give each other permission to bounce ideas off each other without being so concerned that every idea has someone's name on it.

Julia Ward Howe's Mother's Day Proclamation

Arise then...women of this day! Arise, all women who have hearts! Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly: "We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies, Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country, Will be too tender of those of another country To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs." From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with Our own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor, Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, But of God -
In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality, May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities, The amicable settlement of international questions, The great and general interests of peace.

1870